


Wishing you were mine

by himeaka



Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 11:27:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20741450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himeaka/pseuds/himeaka
Summary: It wasn't hard to fall in love with Cho Seungyoun. Being a constant recipient of his sunshine smiles and big hugs and soft assurances that everything's going to be alright, Han Seungwoo's defenses was bound to crumble down. However, he wasn't the only one constantly receiving these affections, if one can call them that.





	Wishing you were mine

**Author's Note:**

> I blame this picture (twitter(  
.)com/stillyouSY/status/1175590406936911872?s=19) that looked exactly like a wattpad cover from 2012. I also blame @thefullergirl for editing it to look like a badly edited cover from pizap that I would definitely would have used 7 years ago. 
> 
> Also this is the first thing I've written since March(?) 2018 and I kind of word vomitted and this came to life.

* * *

It was just a deal.

  
If you're going to ask Seungwoo where it all went wrong, he's going to tell you it's when he agreed to this stupid deal.

  
Scratch that. He fucked up way too long before that.  
Han Seungwoo is just someone with dreams bigger than himself, trying to achieve them despite seeing all the red flags practically screaming at him to look for a new career path.

  
Enter Cho Seungyoun.

  
Cho Seungyoun is just like him, with big dreams and long years filled with disappointment and envy and hopelessness, the same mantra of_ I have nothing to lose._

  
But Cho Seungyoun is different.

  
Cho Seungyoun is the sun, a bouncing ball of energy that will never fail to paint a smile on anyone's face, and Seungwoo is not an exception. He's just too bright, and Seungwoo keeps on hiding behind his clouds but Seungyoun's rays keep on reaching him.  
And by some divine (Mnet's?) intervention, here they are, now part of the same group that sweeps music charts and wins awards here and there, faster than they could keep up.

  
Han Seungwoo cannot pinpoint exactly where everything got complicated. He's pretty sure there's some unwritten rule somewhere that says _do not fall in love with a member of your own grou_p and that's exactly what he did.

  
Seungwoo would have gotten away with it if he fell in love with someone who feels the same, even the tiniest bit, but no.

  
It wasn't hard to fall in love with Cho Seungyoun. Being a constant recipient of his sunshine smiles and big hugs and soft assurances that everything's going to be alright, Han Seungwoo's defenses was bound to crumble down. However, he wasn't the only one constantly receiving these affections, if one can call them that.

  
Kim Wooseok was, in every way, perfect. The first time you see him you'd think that he's a doll, and he certainly is. He's caring and clingy and playful and he keeps up with Cho Seungyoun the way Han Seungwoo can't. The three of them, Seungwoo knows, are the same, yet he's different. Seungwoo can confiently say that he's close to Seungyoun, but Seungyoun and Wooseok just naturally gravitates toward each other, and Seungwoo can't just bring himself to make a wedge for himself in the middle.

Seungwoo doesn't miss it - he's the leader after all. All the glances and touches Wooseok gives Seungyoun do not go unnoticed. They're not exactly subtle, but no one talks about it. This is going to be a huge mess, everyone probably thinks, when they fall apart. Everyone wishes it does not happen, maybe apart from Han Seungwoo.  
It eventually did.

  
Maybe it was a good thing or a bad thing that they fell apart near the end of their contract, after their farewell concert. It was an issue of miscommunication, Seungyoun tells Seungwoo one night with tears staining his cheeks, and it took all of Seungwoo's willpower to keep himself from caressing Seungyoun's cheeks the way Wooseok does, or did. Tears did not belong on Cho Seungyoun's face.

  
Han Seungwoo did not want to hate Kim Wooseok - they did spend five years together in one group - but the look on Seungyoun's face when they saw him together with Lee Jinhyuk hand in hand in the hole in the wall cafè they usually went to as a group made him want to punch that beautiful, doe-eyed face. Wooseok glances to where they are and (unfortunately) makes eye contact with Seungyoun. The smile Seungyoun gives Wooseok is bittersweet, and he's trying so hard to make his smile reach his eyes. Seungyoun is visibly struggling to keep his smile up, but then, Seungwoo thinks, it's still more radiant than any of the smiles he gives to Seungwoo.

It's futile, Seungwoo thinks, to keep on chasing after this man who gave his heart to another. He sighs in defeat as Seungyoun downs another can of beer in the comfort of his apartment. _It's unfair_, Seungyoun slurs after his eighth can of beer, that Wooseok struts around with Jinhyuk at his heels while Seungyoun continues spiralling down in despair. It's sad, Seungwoo thinks, to make your world revolve around someone and then suddenly you go out of orbit, drifting into nothingess. Seungwoo isn't sure if it was about Seungyoun or about him.

  
\---

  
Yohan being the center of their group - he really was born to be a center - was the first one of them to buy an apartment and it did not take long for Seungwoo's little demons a.k.a. X1 (he knows they're in different groups now but they will always be part of X1) to pile up in Yohan's apartment. As they explored every nooks and crannies in Yohan's two bedroom suite, Hyeongjun noticed the absence of one particular member.

  
"Where's Wooseok hyung?" He stares at them with his poodle eyes, asking them innocently with no subtext but it still makes tense.

  
"Ah, he has a lot of schedules today," Hangyul is the one who braves the tense atmosphere. "Our Wooseokie hyung is very booked."

  
Dongpyo raises an eyebrow but he does not say anything. Thankfully the tense atmosphere breaks when the doorbell rings. "I'll get it!" Donhyon rushes to the door to get their pizza. They pile into the living room and Seungyoun distributes cans of soda and beer to everyone.

  
The television is playing some movie that no one is paying attention to, absorbed in their little conversations. The younger ones fight over the last slice of pizza on the low table while the older ones lounge on the sofa. Hangyul comes back from the kitchen, holding a can of soda and handing Seungyoun a can of beer. Seungwoo grabs it before Seungyoun can and gives him a look.

  
"You already drink way too much beer, Seungyoun-ah." Hangyul eyes widen slightly at this and makes eye contact with Yohan, who just shrugs at him.  
Hangyul squeezes himself between Seungyoun and Yohan. "How are you exactly, Seungyoun hyung?"  
Seungyoun paints his face with his usual smile, and at this point Seungwoo is getting tired of trying to distinguish the reals from the fakes. "I'm fine, don't worry about me."

  
"Are you really?" Hangyul takes a sip of his soda, "You don't seem fine to me."

  
"What makes you say that?" Seungyoun asks as he tries to snatch the beer from Seungwoo's hand. He stops when Seungwoo makes an annoyed face and pouts.

  
"The Seungyounie hyung I know will bounce on the walls the moment he enters this insanely huge apartment." Yohan squeaks at this comment ("It's not that big!") "You're unsually quiet, hyung."

  
No one says anything. Junho finally wins the last pizza slice.

  
"It still hurts, I guess." Seungyoun says after a long pause. The younger ones try and pretend to be busy with something, but Dongpyo gets up and squeezes himself on the sofa and ends up spawled on top of Seungwoo and Seungyoun.

  
"It's been so long, Seungyounie hyung..." Dongpyo says in a small voice, giving him a hug.

  
"I know Dongpyo-ya." There was a lull in the conversation. All eyes were suddenly on the television screen, no one knowing what to say.

  
"It's just unfair," Seungyoun buries his face on Dongpyo's shoulder, "That he's so happy while I'm still miserable. It's like he wasn't affected at all, you know?"

  
Junho gets up from their spot on the floor and sits on the armrest of the sofa. "Then make him see that you're not affected either." He says as he munches on his pizza. "That's what he did, right? He hurt you by appearing so happy with someone else."

  
Dongpyo sits up straight and pouts, "Go find someone new and make him see what he lost, Seungyoun hyung."

  
Seungyoun laughs at their input. Seungwoo sighs at the simple-mindedness of the younger ones.

  
\---

  
"Isn't that unfair?" Seungyoun suddenly says as they make their way back to Seungyoun's apartment.  
"What's unfair?"

  
"To find someone new while I still have some heavy emotional baggage left." Seungyoun smiles as he bows his head to look the the pavement.

  
"It doesn't have to be a commitment, you know?" Seungwoo wants to slap himself and his mouth is saying things different from what's in his mind. "To make him jealous. You can just find someone to ride along. It doesn't have to mean anything."

  
Seungyoun gives him a small, amused smile. "Are you offering, Seungwoo hyung?"

  
"I don't see why not," Seungwoo looks ahead, trying hard to not to look at Seungyoun. Seungyoun laughs and grabs Seungwoo's hand.

  
"I'm going to take up that offer, hyung."

  
\---

  
It doesn't have to be a commitment, Seungwoo remembers himself say as Seungyoun pins him on the wall the moment the door locks. I don't see why not, his own voice whispers at the back of his mind as Seungyoun crashes their mouths together while his hands roam around Seungwoo's body, trying to find a place to anchor himself. Seungwoo holds one of Seungyoun's hands ground him while he curls his other arm around Seungyoun's neck, desperately trying to keep him close.

  
\---

  
They never talked about it. Seungwoo hates himself for saying that it doesn't have to mean anything, because - oh boy - it does meant something to Seungwoo. Nothing changed and everything changed at the same time. Seungyoun still calls him hyung, but with that added added lilt that Seungwoo loves so much. They still meetup to eat dinner on Tuesdays, either in Seungwoo's favorite cafè or in Seungyoun's favorite street food cart, but now their fingers are intertwined under the table. Seungwoo can't find himself to mind their hands being hidden as he imprinted in his memory every dip and groove on Seungyoun's hand.

  
They still spend Saturday nights in each other's apartment, downing cans of beer to relieve the stress being an idol entails. Still getting drunk and passing out, but now there's something else happening in between.

  
They never went all the way, Seungwoo realizes, when Seungyoun is sober. Seungwoo does not want to think about what it meant, not when Seungyoun relentlessly pounds him from behind, pulling his hair that made his back arch from pleasure. Seungyoun nuzzles his left ear and Seungwoo can smell the scent of beer in his breath that made him remember that Seungyoun is painfully drunk every time they're having sex. Seungwoo doesn't want to think about it, not when Seungyoun's here with him, skin to skin with no barriers left, not when Seungyoun's breaths sound so ragged and desperate for him and him alone -

  
Seungwoo hears it. It was soft, a whisper. Seungwoo tells himself that he's just imagining things. _Wooseok-ah_. He hears it again. Seungwoo's heart breaks. Seungyoun's thrusts start to get erratic and tears fall down Seungwoo's cheeks.

  
And now Seungwoo can't help but think why they never went all the way when Seungyoun is sober.

  
\---

  
Seungwoo cancels their Tuesday dinner to meet with Dongpyo. Seungwoo loves all of them equally but it's never a secret that Dongpyo is his favorite. Dongpyo looks at him across the table with a gaze Seungwoo can't explain.

  
"Are you alright, Seungwoo hyung?" Dongpyo asks him, placing his hand on top of Seungwoo's hand that is resting on the table. Dongpyo draws patterns and shapes on the back of Seungwoo's hands as he waits for him to reply.

  
"No." It took all of Seungwoo's courage to admit that no, he's not alright, that nothing is alright, and everything is going wrong.

  
Dongpyo lifts Seungwoo's hands and intertwines them with his own. "You have to make things right, Seungwoo hyung. I don't exactly know what's going on, but is this about Seungyoun hyung?"

  
Seungwoo laughs, defeated. "How did you know that?"

  
"You like to think you're sublte and lowkey, Seungwoo hyung, but you're really not. Everyone can see it, even from a mile away." Dongpyo gently chastises him like a son to his annoying father.

  
No one spoke for a while.

  
"If that is so, then why doesn't he seem to know?" Seungwoo feels his eyes water and fixes his gaze on the lamp on the wall.

  
"He probably knows, probably not, but does it matter, Seungwoo hyung, when he's so busy looking at someone else to spare you a glance?"

  
\---

  
Seungwoo is sure that Seungyoun is going to be in his apartment, so he heads there right after his meeting with Dongpyo. He has to end whatever this is. Whatever this thing that Seungwoo doesn't know how to name.

  
Seungwoo presses the passcode, barely looking at the keypad. He wonders how many times he has been at this place that inputting the passcode is now just a reflex. He pushes the door open and a pair of unfamiliar shoes greets him at the entryway. Seungwoo hesistates to enter but he wills himself to make his feet move forward and instantly regrets it as he sees the clothes strewn on the floor.

  
_Wooseok-ah_. Seungwoo hears it again. He laughs at himself as he turned around to leave.  
Who was he kidding? There is nothing to end between him and Seungyoun because there was never something.

  
It was just a deal after all.


End file.
